How to Cut Your Kid’s Hair
Step 1: Find yourself in a global health pandemic where going out to a salon concerns you. Add a desire/interest you’ve always had, for some reason, to cut hair.
Take a moment to congratulate yourself for not going wild with that always-had desire. It’s amazing how many Barbies, My Little Pony's, friend’s and sibling’s heads survived around me in my youth.
Also one time I did trim my own hair, and at my next haircut appointment when the woman who had cut everyone in my family’s hair for 15+ years questioned me about it, I lied and said I didn’t cut it. Just wondering why I did that. I’m really sorry, Nikki.
Step 2. Consider all the ways in which your perspective has shifted due to said global health pandemic.
Does it really matter if this haircut turns out poorly in The Grand Scheme of Things?
We’re all healthy, we figured out how to keep at it with big shifts to our finances, and we never ran out of toilet paper–I think we could work our way out of a bad hairdo.
Step 3. Idea: if it’s bad enough, you can just quarantine again until it grows out.
Step 4. Watch a lot of online tutorials. Watch them again. And again and again. Realize while there's a lot of value in beauty school, it’s not a PhD program.
Take a moment to congratulate yourself for not going wild with that always-had desire. It’s amazing how many Barbies, My Little Pony's, friend’s and sibling’s heads survived around me in my youth.
Also one time I did trim my own hair, and at my next haircut appointment when the woman who had cut everyone in my family’s hair for 15+ years questioned me about it, I lied and said I didn’t cut it. Just wondering why I did that. I’m really sorry, Nikki.
Step 2. Consider all the ways in which your perspective has shifted due to said global health pandemic.
Does it really matter if this haircut turns out poorly in The Grand Scheme of Things?
We’re all healthy, we figured out how to keep at it with big shifts to our finances, and we never ran out of toilet paper–I think we could work our way out of a bad hairdo.
Step 3. Idea: if it’s bad enough, you can just quarantine again until it grows out.
Step 4. Watch a lot of online tutorials. Watch them again. And again and again. Realize while there's a lot of value in beauty school, it’s not a PhD program.
Wonder if someone did have a PhD in beauty, how amazing would that haircut be? Would it include 3 hours of silent head shampooing? Would it cost $600? Where could one sign up to get one of these?
Step 5. Set your expectations low. Schedule your first at home haircut the same time salons are open–you know, in case you gotta speed over there for a little assistance.
Maybe schedule yourself a bowl of ice cream later that night just in case you need to celebrate or commiserate? I suggest Moose Tracks.
Step 6: You’re ready! Fire up your kid’s favorite show on a nearby screen! Hold on to your confidence! Cut that hair! Show it who’s boss while also making sure not to cut your kid or yourself! Tell your husband he’s in charge of the clean up because you’re putting forth such a grand effort!
But mostly blend way more than you think you need to, because you certainly won’t do it enough the first two times.
Step 5. Set your expectations low. Schedule your first at home haircut the same time salons are open–you know, in case you gotta speed over there for a little assistance.
Maybe schedule yourself a bowl of ice cream later that night just in case you need to celebrate or commiserate? I suggest Moose Tracks.
Step 6: You’re ready! Fire up your kid’s favorite show on a nearby screen! Hold on to your confidence! Cut that hair! Show it who’s boss while also making sure not to cut your kid or yourself! Tell your husband he’s in charge of the clean up because you’re putting forth such a grand effort!
But mostly blend way more than you think you need to, because you certainly won’t do it enough the first two times.