Dana Burland

Float, float, float your tube Through all the river bends Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, How I hate a good weekend's end

For the last five summers, my brother Estefan*, has dealt with the chaos, confusion and conundrums that is working at the pool of prominent country club Kiefer See Country Club* in Volkermarkt, Austria*. This year he was promoted from lifeguard to assistant manager. His typical day often deals less with monitoring guest safety in the water and more of absolute unpredictable absurdities. These, are his tales. (Names & locations changed to protect the innocent.) It was not a typical Wednesday night at the pool. Kiefer See Country Club was hosting their first home swim meet of the season. There were close to 400 swimmers from ages 5-18 plus parents, coaches and KSCC staff fluttering about the pool area. One would imagine (or hope) that the torrential downpour that delayed the meet by three hours, crowd control issues and technical malfunctions with the meet’s timing system would be enough chaos for one night, this was just child’s play compared to dealing with the ‘coon. In pas...

This, is my cell phone. Wait... check out my nails too. Pretty, no? This, is an example of its cool features. That's right, it's a slider with a QWERTY (that word is more fun to type than I though it would be) keyboard. Try to contain your jealously. Even more groundbreaking are the things my phone can not do: 1. Cook me dinner 2. Access the internet (*it technically CAN, I chose not to have a data plan) 3. Comprehend an 'app' beyond a built in calculator I use my phone to make telephone calls, send and receive text messages and to remind me not to forget grandma's birthday. That's IT. How old school am I? Almost I-had-to-walk-15-miles-to-school-up-hill-both-ways old school. Almost amish. I should mention, I DO have access to a smartphone. It's my work phone and it spends 85% of its life forgotten in my desk drawer. I DO use it when I travel for work. I might also use it to play Words With Friends. I love my stupidphone though. I love that...

Oh God... how old does this make me feel? It seems like just yesterday these two were creating a colorful sweater themed photo shoot... ...like just last week when they were trying on clothes while rocking out to the Backstreet Boys... ...like just last month when they were out late in a small country town for summer fireworks... ...like just last year they matched pink dresses for a classy fundraising bash... ... and now, they've GRADUATED! I feel like an emotional little old lady now that my youngest hometown pals have completed undergrad! A massive, congrats to Tori and Ellie for 4 years of success and the closing of a big old life chapter. I hope post-grad life is just as filled with impromptu photo shoots, boy band worshipping, late night firework watching and classy cocktail party going as your pre-college days were! Now where's my Klenex and denture glue?

Last month, B and I hopped in his new car and drove off into the sunset (more accurately, a tree snapping thunderstorm) for a weekend in Michigan. Our quest was not complete, however, without a stop in Canada to pick up some obscure Canukian snack goodies. So... we stopped at Mac's and spent $11 on things that looked silly. When we crossed back into Michigan, I opened everything and conducted a taste test and later repeated the experiment with my family at home. Below is your handy guide to the obscurities in Canadian snack food. All are rated out of 4 stars- 1 for vomit inducing, 4 for delicious. Here are the results! Ketchup Chips, rank:  * My former Canadian roommate said good things about these. Even the boarder patrol man joked he'd need to charge duty on our chips. You may understand hockey, neighbors to the north, but you do   not  understand potato chips. Pre-taste: B : These definitely look weird. They're unnatural in color. Me : I do not ap...

CHEETAH PRINT! Ahhhh! Ok, this isn't real  cheetah print; it's fake, small, spring colored and almost paint speckled print. It's okkkkk. This is a sample of the many conversations I have with myself when clothes shopping. Don't you have conversations with yourself while clothes shopping? When I started revamping my closet a few years ago , I made it my goal to work my way into wearing more prints. For I once was Queen of Swimming T-shirts, then Your Highness of the Solid Colored Gap Shirt, and most recently Lady of the Stripes. To break away from so many titles, one needs some courage, a candy bar or two, and more self talk than normally acceptable. I found this shirt at .... wait.... sorry.... just got lost looking at handbags on their website.... Francesca's Collections . Coincidently the same place I bought my blue floral wallpaper dress . The main reason I bought this little diddy is that it is as comfortable as a t-shirt. It's cut like baseball jerse...

Childhood is great because it’s the first time (and possibly only time) we’re at our true pits. It’s the select window of time where we’re honest enough to pat grandpa’s belly and ask him when the babies are coming, creative enough to dream about a career as a garbage woman/furniture saleswoman and convicted in our notions enough to believe grandpa’s babies and a dirty job would make for the most fulfilling future ever. Eventually we all grow up, add layers and rarely peal back fully again. This is a story about the last time I saw my pit-- this past weekend-- and a Memorial Day surprise. When I was even smaller than I am now, with even more vibrant freckles and even more violent bed-head, I dreamed of owning an overhead projector. Some little girls want ponies, dolls or toys, but not I. With an overhead projector, I could take my beloved doodling from bland white computer paper to shapes and colors dancing in light, blown up to fill my entire bedroom wall. I could, essentially, ma...