On Tough Conversations
B and I had been dating for less than a year when I mentioned I might want to move back to Michigan. I tossed the idea to him it as a (much) distant future kind of goal; he read it as I was ready to get packing. A post-holiday pick-up from the airport proved we were both wrong on the timing. I’m not normally weepy, but fresh off the plane in B’s car, I broke down. I missed my family, Michigan State sweatshirts, Coney Dogs and more—I wanted to be closer to home.
Once my crazy lady emotions simmered down, I tackled the subject again. It was a heavy topic to throw on a happy, rather bump-free relationship; but we’re both good communicators and calm by nature, so I felt comfortable broaching it.
One of the most important (if not the most important) elements to this conversation was flexibility. Because I didn’t wait until my idea was a must-execute plan, there was plenty of room for compromise. We were both able to say ‘here’s what I’d like’, not ‘here’s what I’m doing’. B was relieved to hear I felt our relationship took precedence over the move, and I was pleased to hear he eventually wanted to be back near family in MI too.
Still, it was a big request. So like any journalist girlfriend would do, I asked to set a deadline. Not a deadline for a decision—but a deadline to reproach the conversation. B very much need time to think without me cry/whining every time a Pure Michigan commercial came on TV; I very much needed to know there would be a time when a 12-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert freak out over Tim Allen chatting about leaves would be acceptable.
When the deadline hit, we talked again. Is this still what you want? Is this what we want? How will this affect our relationship? What’s the best case situation? What’s the worst case situation? What’s our plan? What’s the next step? When it was decided this was something we both wanted, Michigan stopped being my idea and became our plan.
Through the process we stayed on the same page, likely because we weren’t opposed to adding amendments to that page when needed. We broke the whole picture down and tackled it bite by bite—when it was time to polish up the resume, it was not time to pick out paint colors for not yet rented apartment (not like I had to be served multiple reminders on that…).
I know this isn’t the toughest conversation or process B and I will ever facemy Golden Retriever like shedding problem likely will be, but getting through this long and twisty road gives me so much faith for the future. If we can successfully orchestrate a duel person quarter cross country move, happily agree on the best paint shade of green in less than an hour and live through the most epic (yet, strangely bonding) food poisoning experience ever, there’s nothing we can’t do—right?
Once my crazy lady emotions simmered down, I tackled the subject again. It was a heavy topic to throw on a happy, rather bump-free relationship; but we’re both good communicators and calm by nature, so I felt comfortable broaching it.
One of the most important (if not the most important) elements to this conversation was flexibility. Because I didn’t wait until my idea was a must-execute plan, there was plenty of room for compromise. We were both able to say ‘here’s what I’d like’, not ‘here’s what I’m doing’. B was relieved to hear I felt our relationship took precedence over the move, and I was pleased to hear he eventually wanted to be back near family in MI too.
Still, it was a big request. So like any journalist girlfriend would do, I asked to set a deadline. Not a deadline for a decision—but a deadline to reproach the conversation. B very much need time to think without me cry/whining every time a Pure Michigan commercial came on TV; I very much needed to know there would be a time when a 12-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert freak out over Tim Allen chatting about leaves would be acceptable.
When the deadline hit, we talked again. Is this still what you want? Is this what we want? How will this affect our relationship? What’s the best case situation? What’s the worst case situation? What’s our plan? What’s the next step? When it was decided this was something we both wanted, Michigan stopped being my idea and became our plan.
Through the process we stayed on the same page, likely because we weren’t opposed to adding amendments to that page when needed. We broke the whole picture down and tackled it bite by bite—when it was time to polish up the resume, it was not time to pick out paint colors for not yet rented apartment (not like I had to be served multiple reminders on that…).
I know this isn’t the toughest conversation or process B and I will ever face